Sunday, July 21, 2019

At the End of the Rainbow

Those of you who follow me on Instagram may already be aware that our family suffered another loss a few weeks ago. Ten weeks into my seventh pregnancy -- our "rainbow" baby after losing a son at 16 weeks back in December -- I was diagnosed with blighted ovum. What followed was a bit frightening, as I started losing a lot of blood very rapidly (by God's grace I was already at the ER; if I'd been at home we probably would have needed an ambulance, or I might not even be writing this post). My hemoglobin dropped from 14 to 7 in a few hours, and my blood pressure plummeted. I have honestly never felt so ill before, and I was given two units of blood before an emergency D&C. There is exactly one medical facility in our rural area, so there is not much choice for health care here. But the care I received was superb, and each nurse and doctor was kind and helpful. I am so grateful for that!




In spite of the pain and the confusion, one thing has been very clear to me -- God has sustained us through this difficult season. He does not ask us to walk the valley of the shadow of death alone. He is the Giver of all good gifts (James 1:17), the Binder of wounds (Psalm 147:3), the Sufficient One (2 Corinthians 12:9). He has surrounded us with friends, both local and distant, who have mourned with us and comforted us.





I'll be honest, it has been very difficult for me to come to terms with how my plan differs from God's plan. I think I'd unconsciously categorized my first two miscarriages as "off-script," even though I fully acknowledged them to be part of God's sovereign plan. But this third loss has led me to peel back layers of assumptions and expectations that I had built up over the years. I am leaning into God, hard, and asking Him to reshape my desires to fit His will (instead of trying to wrestle His will into my ideas of "good," which is both futile and unhealthy). Sometimes I wish I could go back to when babies seemed easy, when I trusted my body to nurture the lives God placed there, and when there were no clouds of grief to dim the horizon of our future. A little bit of heaven on earth, you know? Yet as wonderful as that idyllic picture sounds to my scarred heart, I know that would not be best. Of course I want the easy way, the way that doesn't involve pain or loss or heartache. But God is often closest to us in our grief, and He uses trials to shape us more to His image. It's part of the "beauty in the curse" -- pain and death are the result of sin, and yet God can use them for good in our lives. He gently picks up our broken pieces, and fashions us anew.

God only breaks us to remake us.


I hope one day we'll be blessed with another baby, but that is not my deepest hope. My true hope is in Jesus Christ, the sinless One who suffered and died and rose again so that death would not have the last say. He is the only true hope -- and I pray that He is your hope, too!



"I remember the days of old; I meditate on all that You have done;
I ponder the work of Your hands.
I stretch out my hands to You; my soul thirsts for You like a parched land. Selah

Answer me quickly, O Lord! My spirit fails!
Hide not Your face from me, lest I be like those who go down to the pit.
Let me hear in the morning of Your steadfast love, for in You I trust.
Make me know the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul."


Psalm 143:5-8


16 comments:

  1. Dear Shannon,
    I am so, so sorry. I pray that God continues to make Himself known, and to sustain you during this difficult time.

    Gentle hugs,
    Alyssa

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    1. Thank you, Alyssa! I so appreciate your sympathy and prayers.

      Hugs,
      Shannon

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  2. So sorry Shannon. Your faith is so true and you are so admirable. Prayers for you and your family.

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    1. Thank you for your prayers and kind words, Danice!

      Blessings,
      Shannon

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  3. Dear Shannon,
    My heart aches for your loss and sorrow. Your faith in the LORD JESUS CHRIST speaks volumes in so many ways. May you be strengthened by the LORD and may HE give you the peace to continue on. You and your family will be in my prayers.

    In the love of CHRIST,
    Carie D.

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    1. Dear Carie,

      I greatly appreciate your prayers and kind words! Times like these certainly make me grateful for a loving heavenly Father.

      Blessings,
      Shannon

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  4. Dear Shannon, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and pain! Yet, I'm so encouraged to see your absolute trust in God. Love the scripture that you shared. I too, have had 3 miscarriages. Two first trimesters and one second trimester. At the time of my 3rd miscarriage, we had just one child, and I thought he might be an only-child. Like you, I deliberately chose to Trust God and go on. Whatever His will was for us, I chose to fully accept...thru many tears. He alone is our peace and comfort. A few years later God gave us our surprise blessing...one more son. He knows Best! much love, Linn
    PS I'll be praying for you!

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    1. Linn,

      Thank you for your kindness, and for sharing your own experience -- I am so sorry to hear that you lost three babies, as well. Your story is such an encouragement to me of (hard-fought) peace and trust regardless of the outcome. And I'm so glad to hear that the Lord blessed you with another son after your losses! Your prayers are greatly appreciated.

      Blessings,
      Shannon

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    2. Hudson Taylor, the missionary to China, after he had lost his wife and some children in early deaths, said that "heaven had become that much more precious to him since God was people-ing it with those whom he loved". We shall see our precious babies and our precious Lord, perhaps soon! Maranatha! Linn

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    3. Linn,

      What a beautiful story about Hudson Taylor! It is certainly true that Revelation 21:4 holds much more meaning to me now: "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

      Thank you for your kind comment!

      Blessings,
      Shannon

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  5. I do follow you on Instagram as well and my heart aches for you. Trusting in His plan is certainly never easy but His ways are perfect as we know. I'll be praying for you and the healing of your body and your mind. As a woman who struggles with infertility, I know how painful loss can be. In Christ, Cari. @mrs_cari_leigh on Instagram.

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    1. Cari,

      Thank you so much for your kindness! I am so sorry to hear that you've struggled with infertility -- my parents did, as well, so I know (through them) how painful it is. While the Lord uses trials for His glory and our good, that doesn't them any less painful in an earthly sense. Thank you for your prayers! You are are on my heart and in my prayers, too.

      In Christ,
      Shannon

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  6. Dear Shannon,

    I continue to keep you in my prayers! I can relate to your words and feelings. It is hard to let go of our plans and dreams for the future. I had always dreamed of having a house full of children. My little girl will turn five in September and I never would have imagined that she would still be my only child. I read a quote a while back and it has helped me stay focused "God is never too early, never too late, He is always right on time". I must trust He has a reason for this. I had a third miscarriage this spring and have been seeing a fertility specialist. We are trusting God for a miracle. And I am praying that the Lord blesses you with a miracle too! Thank you for sharing about your trials and loss. Your words of faith are an encouragement to me.

    Sarah

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    1. Sarah,

      Thank you again for your prayers -- I am so, so sorry that you lost another baby this spring. I will be praying that your fertility specialist will be able to help, and that the Lord will bless you with another baby (and that He'll heal your heart and bless you with peace in the meantime). You are such an encouragement to me, and I long for the day when we will both see how our loss and pain fits in to God's perfect story.

      Hugs,
      Shannon

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  7. Oh, Shannon! Losing a child is so hard, no matter when or how it happens. I pray that your recovery continues, both of body and of mind.

    Catherine

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    1. Thank you, Catherine! I really appreciate your kind words and prayers!

      Blessings,
      Shannon

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