The Gift

I don't typically share "the news" this early, but considering how many of you have been kindly praying for our family over the past few months, I think it's high time to let you know that we're expecting another baby in March! Actually, the current due date is March 15th, the infamous "Ides of March" (which apparently no one knows about, because most of the people I've mentioned this to have responded with blank stares). Considering that Little Man was due Christmas Eve and Rosa was due Reformation Day/Halloween, we seem to have a "holiday due date" theme. 

How I'd hoped and prayed that I would be pregnant before our sweet baby girl's due date! I reasoned that such joyful news would soften the heartache sure to accompany that day. As it turns out, I was pregnant, though I had no idea at the time. And really, I think it was better that way. Without that buffer, I was "forced" to close out a painful chapter in the grieving process. As the due date approached, all of the progress I'd felt I'd made over the past few months was swept away, leaving the wound very, very raw. Only a few days before I took that pregnancy test, I'd prayed to God that He might take away my desire for more children (at least for a time), because the constant see-saw of hope and disappointment each month made the grief that much harder to bear.

Clearly, He didn't grant that petition! I actually found out at 3 1/2 weeks, due to a number of factors (largely my impatience, and the realization that it would be better to test early than wait and wonder in agony for a few more days).

I can't begin to express my gratitude to God for this blessing. I never presumed that we would be able to have another child quickly -- or even at all -- because I know very well that not everyone gets a "rainbow baby" after a loss. Nor can I express my gratitude for the many prayers that you, my dear readers, have offered up on our behalf. I am treasuring this blessing and yet holding it loosely, knowing all too well how precious and transient it can be. It's hard not to give in to anxiety (and I'm not always successful), but as the days pass I become more hopeful. We recently had our first sonogram, and the relief of seeing our baby's heartbeat was great, indeed. Still, for some reason it's difficult to imagine why this pregnancy would go any better than the last. There are still many weeks to go (and several more before we're past the point at which we lost our last baby), so I crave your continued prayer for a safe and healthy pregnancy.

Lamentations 3 was a source of comfort to me over those dark months following our loss, and its verses still bring me comfort:

But I call this to mind, and therefore I have hope: 

the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; 

His mercies never come to an end; 

they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 

"The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "

therefore I will hope in Him."