Don't Blink

I'm always a little heartbroken when I'm reminded again how fleeting these newborn days are. The hours turn into days and weeks, while my baby seems to grow before my very eyes. This season is not always blissful or idyllic, but it is so very dear.

It's a retreat from "loftier" pursuits to care for a tiny soul's simple needs of food and warmth and touch -- needs that I can satisfy with my own body, because God's design is very good indeed.

It's a reminder that my heavenly Father cares for me even more tenderly than I care for my littlest love (and a reminder that I'm as utterly dependent on Him as my baby is on me).

It's a reprieve from the groanings of a weary world -- life in the face of death, joy in the midst of darkness, a taste of the good things that He has promised to bring to pass.

Our soul waits for the Lord;

He is our help and our shield.

For our heart is glad in Him,

because we trust in His holy name.

 Let yYur steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us,

even as we hope in You.

Psalm 33:20-22

 

Tiniest Blessing

 It's hard to believe, but it's true -- our sweet rainbow baby made it earthside, and is safely in our arms! Praise God for His astounding grace! 

I did fill out the birth announcement! In retrospect, it would have been much easier to
take an "internet friendly" photo before filling it out, rather than editing it out later...

"Kit" is absolutely precious and perfect, and we all adore him. It's so sweet to see his older siblings loving on him; it's been so long since there's been a baby in the house.

The days leading up to his birth were hardly "peaceful" -- our water heater died suddenly, storms took out the power the next day, and there was a baby shower scheduled on his due date! Happily, he cooperated and I didn't go into labor until the power was back on and he had been properly celebrated. We did have to wait a few extra days for the hot water, but at least we had the ability to heat it manually again (thank goodness I wasn't interested in a water birth!).

Wrinkly newborn hands

I was unsure what to expect with this birth -- you'd think I'd be more confident at this point, but it had been 5 years since I'd done this, and this was our first home birth. Also, my last birth was only 1 1/2 hrs from start to finish. Talk about a hard act to follow! Anything over two or three hours would surely seem disappointing by comparison.

Some of the lovely blooms arranged for Kit's
shower by a dear lady from our church

I'd had some prodromal labor over the past few weeks, mostly just the odd contraction here or there. But then I woke up at 3:30am and couldn't figure out why my stomach hurt. As the fog cleared, I realized that I'd had a contraction, stronger than the prodromal labor. The contractions continued every ten minutes or so, but as I sat on my birth ball and tracked them on my app, I realized two things. One, I was quite tired and wanted to sleep more! And two, there was no real progression, and therefore no reason to wake my husband or the midwife. I went back to sleep, waking every 13 to 20 minutes to record my contractions. I finally got up around 8, feeling a bit more rested but also confused -- I'd never had labor that just didn't progress! After five hours of mild, erratic contractions, nothing seemed to be happening. But I had some bleeding and the contractions weren't stopping, so surely this was the real deal? I let my midwife know, and continued to track contractions while I did some last minute prep and house cleaning,

Itty bitty baby toes -- how can a toenail be that tiny?

By 11, I was frustrated -- not so much because labor was difficult or tiring (I wasn't even vocalizing during contractions because they were quite mild), but because it was already my second longest labor with no sign of progress! My midwife checked in, and when I told her what was happening (or rather, what wasn't happening), she suggested that I do ten inversions -- while Kit had been in the same favorable birth position since his 20 week anatomy scan (left occipital anterior), it was possible that his head wasn't engaging in my pelvis properly. Apparently the solution to this is to put your knees on the couch and your forearms on the floor...while you're having a contraction. Let's just say this was NOT my favorite activity! 

My midwife and I agreed that I would let her know when active labor started; after four births, we were both confident I would know when it was "time." 

As I started doing the inversions, my contractions immediately grew closer and more consistent: 6-7 minutes apart. Still not active labor, but at least some definite progress! But after five inversions, I was hit with my strongest contraction yet -- I was certainly vocalizing now. Another strong contraction followed 2-3 minutes later, and I texted my midwife to let her know: 

There are just two minutes between my last text and
my husband's "announcement" text! Forgive all the
typos, we were all in a bit of a rush...

My husband had just gotten our daughter, who wanted to be there for the birth. As soon as I texted that I was feeling "pushy," I had another contraction.  This one was incredibly intense, and my immediate thought was, "I don't want to do this anymore!" That should have been a clue -- hitting the notorious "wall" in labor is a sure sign that birth is imminent. But I usually feel the urge to push before it's actually time, so I didn't think much of it (I was more concerned about how many of these intense contractions I was going to have before the actual birth!).

 I was leaning on our dresser during that contraction, and suddenly realized that the amount of pressure I was feeling could only mean one thing. I reached down and felt Kit's head, and I don't even remember pushing again as I caught the rest of him in my hands! He started crying straight away, and I held him to my chest while my husband helped me to the bed (which we'd fortunately prepared several hours earlier). My husband texted the midwife "he's here," so she called us and stayed on the phone while she drove to our house. Kit and I settled in for some skin-to-skin, and were snuggled up together when she arrived. So much for knowing when to call the midwife! Though, in my defense, I only had 4-6 minutes of what I'd call "active" labor. 

I was sure this thrifted Gap "wrap" top would be perfect for 
skin-to-skin, and it is! I love snuggling with this tiny fellow.

Birthing the placenta proved a bit trickier, as my contractions stopped altogether as soon as Kit came out. I got a dose of Angelica and then Blue & Black Cohosh before it cooperated. But I had barely any blood loss (not even a cup, according to the midwife), and felt great the entire time. 

Technically, Kit was born en caul, because my water broke after/while he emerged -- I've always hoped this would happen, and thought it might be possible since my waters have never broken on their own (with my first four births, my doctor/midwife ruptured the sac immediately prior to birth). But Kit's sac broke as I caught him, so I didn't get to "see" it; I've watched some insane videos of babies born entirely en caul, where they're basically still "in the womb" on the outside! It's exceedingly rare, though.

I'm terrible about actually taking time to recover post-birth,
but I'm doing my best to rest this time.

One thing I found odd was how clean Kit was after birth -- he wasn't goopy or messy at all! After we'd had a good, long snuggle, he had his exam. My initial guess was that he was less than 7 pounds, and he weighed in at barely over 7 pounds. It may seem strange, but this was an answer to...well, not so much a prayer as a hope. Scout was a whisper over 11 pounds at birth (a nurse at his birth had to go exchange the newborn diaper she had ready for a size 1! *wink*). While I would be overjoyed to welcome another baby of any size to our family, I really do love the tiny newborn phase. With Scout, I felt like I had birthed a toddler! My midwives had assured me that Kit was not a big baby, but I wouldn't have dared hope that he'd be our smallest yet. Especially since he "cooked" about two weeks longer than his three oldest siblings, who averaged 7 1/2 pounds.  Even newborn clothes seem generously sized, and he curls up into such a sweet little bundle. I'm savoring this phase...and ordering a few newborn diapers. 

They fit! I can't describe how wonderful it is to finally 
have two tiny feet inside these little booties.

I'm grateful that we planned a home birth -- not only would I have not even made it to the car under the circumstances, but without my midwife's knowledge of labor positions, who knows how long my labor would have lasted (perhaps even ending in an unnecessary C-section). As it turns out, our home birth was even better than I could have imagined! Our littles were able to meet their newest sibling right away, and no one had to wear a mask -- two things that would not be possible with current hospital regulations. I also felt far more rested than usual. No one took my baby away for exams, and there was no need to pack up and get in the car for the drive home. Perhaps best of all, we weren't rushing to the hospital; I've gone through transition during the ride to the hospital twice, and I wouldn't be disappointed to never repeat that experience! Admittedly, I was blessed with a birth easier than I would have dared ask for -- another gift that I do not take for granted. Bringing our rainbow baby into the world in such a peaceful (but exciting!) way was better than I could have dreamed. 

I'm trying to soak up every fleeting moment of this newborn phase. Kit is changing so much already, and I don't want to miss a thing! Happily, nursing has gone well despite a mild lip and tongue tie (and my body's confident belief in the first week or so that we're feeding ten babies! Haha...). In spite of ending up in the hospital for observation this week -- the longest 24 hours of my life , even though it was just a precaution -- Kit is thriving, and has been such a joy and delight. We're all hopelessly besotted.

Welcome to the world, little Kit!

Waiting on a Rainbow (with a little sewing on the side)

I had every intention of getting some maternity photos with this pregnancy around 34-35 weeks -- after all the heartache we've been through in the last four years, this "rainbow" pregnancy was certainly something to commemorate. And I've always regretted not getting decent bump photos with most of my babies (only Little Man has a handful of "maternity" photos, taken in my parents' back yard -- my goodness, my husband and I look like babies ourselves!). I knew exactly what I wanted to wear, the absolutely lovely "Eliza" dress from Emme Mama. The only problem was the price tag...it's hard to justify spending more on a cotton gauze everyday dress than I did on my silk wedding gown, even though it's a company I'd love to support because of their ethical manufacturing. I decided to try my hand at drafting my own dress, and even made a trial run before we moved (which was a significant help, as it turned out). 

And then our house needed more renovations than anticipated (well, not all of them were needed), and our shipment was delayed by a month... As you can imagine, sewing a new dress was hardly my top priority when our belongings finally showed up. I finally managed to squeeze in some sewing, and finished my "knock off" dress just before 37 weeks. Cutting it a bit close, wouldn't you say? Though during the delay, I remembered a local museum that has the loveliest grounds. It turned out to be the perfect setting, and we all wished we could stay longer (we were trying to find the happy medium between closing time and golden hour, so our visit was a bit rushed). I suppose we'll just have to go back! 

Back to the dress details:

Even with some experience to guide me, I had to tweak (and tweak, and tweak again) to get the fit right. After the first try-on, I had to reduce the length/circumference of the puffed sleeves and hack almost eight inches off the skirt -- which meant removing and reattaching the ruffle. At which point, I realized that the ruffle just wasn't full enough, and still a bit too long. So it was removed again, expanded to include an extra length of fabric, and re-hemmed. 

I feel a bit narcissistic posting so many photos of just me (and Kit, by default!), but I've omitted photos with my husband and children for the sake of privacy. I promise that the rest of the family was involved; the littles have been so excited to welcome a new baby to the family, and it was truly sweet to capture memories with them as we all anticipate this little rainbow's arrival.

It seems foolish to make a maternity dress only a few weeks from delivery! But it should prove a boon during that awkward postpartum stage (and beyond, for that matter); it's insanely comfortable and nursing friendly. Besides, it has a decidedly autumnal flair, so I suppose it wouldn't have been ideal for the blistering summer we've had.

I found my cotton gauze on Etsy -- the five yards I purchased yielded the dress with plenty to spare (in fact, I've already made a wee pair of Misusu Olli pants and a bandana bib for Kit with the leftovers, and still have a yard or so left). It washed up beautifully, with a slightly squishy texture. In the end, the fabric cost about a fourth of the "inspiration" dress...considerably more budget friendly.

I debated hiring a photographer for a maternity shoot, but in the end I'm glad it was just us -- I didn't need or want a whole album of photos, especially since there are only so many ways to pose with "the bump." But I did want to capture a few memories of a season that's come after so much waiting and prayer. Thanks to my in-house photographers (i.e., my husband and oldest son), a tripod/remote, and a bit of help from Lightroom, we were able to do just that. We even managed to get a full-family photo, which is a bit of a shock considering how many people and how little time we had. *wink*

It's surreal to be here, in the final days before we meet this sweet boy, Lord willing. My heart overflows with gratitude for the Lord's undeserved mercies in bringing us to this point. So many times as we walked (stumbled? crawled?) through the valley of grief and recurrent loss, I wondered if the clouds would ever part. The darkness seemed so consuming and so endless at times. It's true, the scars of loss will never fully heal on this side of eternity -- I will always be a mama missing her babies until He wipes away my tears for good. And let me be quick to say that a "rainbow baby" was not the inevitable outcome of our valley sojourn, nor the only way God could bring healing and hope to our hearts. But I am so grateful for this little life, this tiny soul who has already brought so much joy to our family. He is not a "replacement" for the sweet babies we lost; he is a precious gift entrusted to our care. A gift that we do not take for granted.

We're ready to meet you, Little Kit! 

Courageously Expecting

Shortly before this pregnancy, I came across Jenny Albers' (at the time not-yet-released) book, Courageously Expecting. It was advertised as a 30-day, Scripture-based devotional for women navigating the mingled joy and terror of pregnancy after loss -- which sounded wonderful, though I wondered (rather cynically) if I'd ever have a reason to read it. Lo and behold, five days after the release date I was holding a faintly positive pregnancy test. It took me two more months to actually order the book, a testament in itself to the protective layer of caution I'd wrapped myself in. Even then, I felt far from confident that this pregnancy would last -- but that was part of the reason I felt I should read it in the first place.

As I started reading, I was so glad I'd summoned up the courage (no pun intended) to place that order. It took me far fewer than 30 days to finish, because I couldn't stop reading! It was such a blessing to find someone who could relate to what I felt, but who also pointed to Scripture as the source of truth about both my past and my future. No empty, "feel good" mantras or affirmations -- just trust in the One Who is writing my story, even if that story involves more loss. Jenny is gentle, but doesn't beat around the bush; once you've experienced pregnancy loss, there is no comfort to be found in saying "of course it won't happen again!" In her words:

"It's hard to imagine your body producing a living being when you know so intimately its ability to destroy one." (pg 71)

Hope. It's a precious commodity when the line between life and death seems so fine, and so out of your control.

"Most people would say I was 'expecting,' but it was more complicated than that. What was I expecting? Was I expecting life or death? Was I expecting to leave the hospital with or without my baby? Was I expecting a full-term birth or an early death? And even in the case of a full-term birth, I knew I wasn't guaranteed to deliver a living child." (pg xvi)

The uncertainty can be crippling. Waiting, day after day, for the signs that your worst nightmare is coming true...again. Unable to say the words "when the baby's born," qualifying every statement about the future with the word "if." As someone who has always delighted in pregnancy, I have found it deeply saddening to lose not only my precious babies, but also the innocent joy of expectation. But:

"While pregnancy after loss isn't exactly the way we'd hoped to experience pregnancy, isn't it enough to help us cling to God's promise of a better day? Isn't today, with your womb full, a better day than when it was so heartbreakingly empty? Hasn't faith, even the smallest amount, carried you to this point?

God has given you this child right now, and even if you can't predict what the future holds -- even if you're scared and unsure and hope seems impossible to grasp -- might the life that's inside you right now be enough to spur you toward embracing that elusive hope in a tangible way?" (pg 123-124)

I'll admit, I was skeptical when I ordered this book, unsure of what kind of theology I would find in its pages. So many, even in the Christian community, are quick to undermine God's sovereignty in an attempt to make bereaved mothers feel "better." They clearly haven't thought through the implications of a god (little "g" on purpose here) who desires to spare us from pain, but is incapable of preventing it! But Courageously Expecting proved to be filled with Scripture that underlined God's providential work in our lives. Instead of skirting the issue, Jenny acknowledges that even the babies we've lost are part of His plan -- and just because we don't understand why they couldn't stay doesn't mean that plan (or its Author) aren't good.

"Remember this: we have a God who knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows where we're going even when we don't, which is why we can be comforted even when our sense of control dissolves in our hands. There is comfort when we realize that our pregnancies are in hands far steadier than our own, and that our lives are being formed into something good even when we feel defeated." (pg 202)

I feel like this post probably reads like a book advertisement (extra points if you pronounced that ad-VER-tiss-ment in your head!), but I couldn't help but share a book that was such an encouragement to me. While it didn't magically strip away my fears -- which would be an unrealistic expectation -- it helped me to process the emotions I felt and give voice to worries I was scared to verbalize. 

Of course, all women process pregnancy after loss differently. I don't recall feeling much anxiety with Laddie, my first "rainbow" pregnancy. I know I was concerned in the early weeks, but once we'd had a positive ultrasound and passed the gestation of our previous loss, that mostly vanished. This time, it's different. Six losses in a row, including one at 16 weeks, will challenge even the most persistent optimism. But at the same time, so much grief has also taught me something about the value of joy even in uncertainty. By 20 weeks, I felt mostly at peace. By 30 weeks I found myself saying, "when the baby comes." Now, at 38 weeks and planning a homebirth, preparation has been essential! Granted, I've been blessed with a blissfully smooth pregnancy so far, I've reached the "viability" milestone (when a baby has a good chance of surviving preterm birth), and am well past the point that we've ever lost a baby. But I'm not oblivious to the possibility of loss, even though I'm now in what's considered by many to be the "safe zone." If only there were such a thing! I know I can't guarantee the outcome I desire, but I also know that the precious life inside of me deserves to be celebrated, no matter what.

As we've been blessed to add children to our family over the past decade, I've sometimes felt wistful for my first pregnancy; that may sound odd, but there is just something magical about that once-in-a-lifetime experience of becoming a parent for the first time. Granted, I didn't want to relive all of it! Even the passage of time hasn't totally erased the memories of bewilderment as we navigated those early weeks. Each successive pregnancy/birth/postpartum stage has grown easier, as those stages become more familiar to both my mind and my body. But somehow, my twelfth pregnancy feels like a first pregnancy (not counting the almost constant sight and sound of this baby's four energetic older siblings!). I've taken more bump photos than any of my other pregnancies, thrifted and sewn maternity and baby clothes, and taken such delight in preparing for this much-anticipated baby. For many loss mamas, those activities are just too painful or scary to contemplate, even in the third trimester; each mama's story is unique, and so is her response. For me, I've been waiting for years, and I don't want to miss out because I was too scared to enjoy this answer to many prayers (both mine and others'). 

I'd highly recommend Jenny's book for those who are pregnant after loss. I'm incredibly grateful to be here, counting down the days to our sweet baby's arrival -- this moment in time seemed so unattainable for so long. But no matter my circumstances, I'm always, always, carried in the arms of the One Who gives and takes away, and Who gave up His very own Son for me. That assurance is my true hope, and allows me to enjoy every blessing He grants along the way. 

Endings and Beginnings

We're in such an in-between stage right now -- we've finished school, we're waiting to move, we're halfway (plus!) through this pregnancy. So many things coming to an end, so many things about to begin. In the midst of such limbo, I've done the only sensible thing: sew voraciously. My sewing machine has been whirring away for the past few weeks, with a threefold mission. First, catch up on all the sewing I didn't have time for during the school year. Second, satisfy my nesting instincts by stitching little things for Kit and "big" things for mama. Third, distract myself from all of the pre-move prep I probably should be doing... Though, to be fair, I've done a good bit of decluttering already and very little of the packing is my responsibility (they'll literally pack your trash!).

While we wait, we're soaking up our last memories in this wild place. We've made some new friends in our last weeks here, like this tiny killdeer nestled into Rosa's little brown hands:

 

Some boys at church found this quail mama nestled deep within a bush:

Or this sweet little goldfinch that nested in the tree by our house: 

She was always on the nest when I checked, and then one day she was gone. My suspicions were correct...

Our last week of school was relaxing, mostly finishing up projects we never got around to during the school year. While I do struggle to find motivation for hands-on projects and experiments, this year I graciously grew a baby to augment our study of human anatomy and growth. *wink* I hope the littles enjoyed learning about the body as much as I did -- such an amazing masterpiece of God's design!

I'm sure doctors wish they could just velcro organs in place...

To my relief, the littles have been thriving, even without the normal school schedule. I had envisioned boredom causing all kinds of problems, but they've been playing together much better than I'd anticipated and spend a great deal of time working on various Lego creations.

It's no surprise that helicopters are a favorite build!

Flowers are a welcome sight in the desert, and every spring I'm surprised by how many roses there are:

Meanwhile, I get to try to eat my lunch without feeling guilty...

Back to sewing... here's my list of projects from the past four weeks, assuming I haven't missed anything:

• 9 pairs of boxers for Laddie and Scout
• Maternity/nursing friendly swimsuit for Mama (briefs, skirted leggings, and top)
• Maternity/nursing nightgown and shorts for Mama
• 3 upcycled skirts for Rosa
• Upcycled dress for Rosa
• 2 pairs of upcycled denim shorts for Scout
• 3 sleepers/rompers for Kit
• Newborn gown and hat for Kit
• Tiny sweatshirt and pants for Kit
• Upcycled denim shorts for Kit
• Upcycled linen trousers for Kit
• Altering a homemade skirt for maternity
• Changing several of Scout's long sleeve tees to short sleeve (my favorite hack to extend the life of winter shirts not worth passing down to the next child!)
• Various mends (mostly turning Rosa's holes-in-the-knees leggings into "shorties")

Some of those projects were much-needed, others were just for fun. I think it's probably time to retire the sewing shears until we move, but I'm grateful for a most satisfying spree -- it's rare for spare time and motivation coincide so nicely.

Some of those projects will get their own posts (eventually!), but I'll share a few smaller ones here.

My poor little boys were running quite low on undies after trashing a few pairs recently that had shocking holes. I'm trying to purchase more thoughtfully/ethically, but it's hard to justify spending a lot on underwear, however organic or fairly traded! Fortunately, I'd tried the Stitch Upon a Time Boxerwear pattern for Little Man, and it worked great for the little boys, too. I might have to redo a few waistbands at some point, as the yellow knit on these pairs for Scout just isn't very stretchy. But I spent less than two dollars on thrifted knit shirts (combined with a few scraps from my stash), so it was well worth the "investment."

I recently found a women's 3X maxi skirt at the charity shop, which was basically just yardage waiting to be upcycled. It was made of that "traveler" fabric that doesn't wrinkle, I think it might be called ITY in the fabric world? Anyway, I tucked it into my basket (on basket day, everything you can fit inside is only $7, which brings the cost per item on a full basket to about $0.30), thinking it would make a great maternity skirt. But as I mulled it over, I realized two things. First, I have a black polka dot skirt out of virtually identical fabric that actually works well for maternity. Second, the skirt was so large that I could probably get an entire dress for Rosa out of it. And so I did! I used a free tee pattern as a basis for the bodice, but ended up changing it significantly (less at the waist, rounded cap sleeves). The skirt was an easy draft -- it's probably a 2/3 to 3/4 circle skirt, since I flared it as much as my fabric would allow. A few facings later, and all was ready to assemble! The fabric turned out to be a beast to sew -- my machine wanted to eat it at the beginning of each seam, and it also made my needle skip stitches. So much of it was sewn twice! It's a "plain Jane" style, but it looks so sweet on Rosa and I think it will last her a while.

Here a few more upcycled projects -- two pairs of shorts for Scout on the left, both made from the same skirt (and I fit a pair of shorts for Kit on the leftovers! Love those 90's denim skirts...). The upper pair is from the Olli shorts by Misusu, which I got for free by joining their Facebook group. I omitted the pockets this time, to conserve fabric. The lower pair is a free shorts pattern from Tiana's Closet, generously offered in sizes 1-8. I made the 4 (Scout's age), and they turned out great! I did add a little faux fly detail, just for fun. 

Rosa got three new skirts, too, as many of hers were worn out or outgrown. These were all simple to put together, since they're variations on a rectangle with an elasticated waist. From top to bottom:

1. Gathered denim skirt upcycled from a thrifted skirt. I salvaged the existing buttonholes and hem, and cut down the length. The leftover fabric was used for the new waistband -- the fabric is gathered into a solid waistband in front, but the back is elasticated. I topstitched the front waistband, but only had to do one new buttonhole. New coconut shell buttons to replace the hideous plastic "faux metal" buttons! 
2. The bottom half of a Wiksten Tova tunic that I made in 2018 and was no longer wearing. I wanted to keep as much length as possible, so I stitched a white cotton facing to the waistband and flipped it to the inside to form the elastic casing.
3. Tiered skirt made from a luscious tencel fabric, which I salvaged from a favorite dress -- the seams were fraying on the outside, but the skirt fabric was still in great shape. I cut strips out of the skirt, reassembled them, and did a simple elastic waist (with a row of eyelet at the bottom!).

With summer well on its way (and feeling like it's already here), I'm eager for all that's coming -- we're going home and moving forward at the same time, and I'm ready for familiar faces and places as well as new adventures (I'm trying not to think too much about the dear people we're leaving behind here...). And summer is the last full season before we meet little Kit in person, Lord willing, as he'll hopefully be joining us early in the fall. 

Endings and beginnings. 
 

Inexpressible: On Rainbows, Babies, and God's Forever-Faithful Love

(If you're an Instagram follower, I'm afraid you'll find this a bit of a repeat from a few weeks ago! But I had more thoughts than I could fit in a caption, and I finished the book I was reading at the time. So here we are.)

This tiny necklace represents so much waiting, so much prayer, so many times of clinging to my heavenly Father in the midst of storms that threatened to sweep away my faltering faith. As I dreamed of a "rainbow baby" for over three years, I wistfully browsed rainbow necklaces and hoped I'd have a reason to buy one. I imagined the word "mama" engraved underneath, an exhale of relief and gratitude after our exhausting journey through the valley of the shadow of death. While Laddie is a rainbow baby, I didn't really discover the term until after his birth; it seemed odd to buy such a thing in retrospect. 

But every time I thought the sun was breaking through and our rainbow was finally coming, the storm clouds gathered darker and fiercer than before. The months dragged on, then years. Five would-have-been "rainbow" pregnancies, five more losses. With each loss, my faith was tested yet again, as if God were asking, "Do you still trust Me? Do you still believe I'm good?"

I waited until 12 weeks with my current pregnancy to order this necklace, and even then my sudden burst of "courage" was prompted by a sale! What if we were to lose the baby this necklace represented? How could I bring myself to wear it? While every passing week gives me more hope and we're quickly approaching the 24-week "viability" milestone, I don't yet know if this baby in my womb is my long-awaited rainbow. 

In the end, I didn't engrave the word "mama" -- but not out of a sense of caution. Rather, because there is something more important to me than being the mama of a rainbow baby (even as I long for that very thing).  You can bet there will be lots of rainbow accessories for this little one if our prayers are answered, but my feelings toward the term "rainbow baby" are a bit complex. A rainbow is the beautiful denouement to a storm, and in that sense a rainbow baby is the joy that comes after the intense storm of loss-induced grief. I've seen others who dislike the term, because they don't see their miscarried babies as a "storm," and I can certainly understand that -- but I see the loss of my precious babies (not the babies themselves) as the darkest storm of my life, and thus the term doesn't bother me on that score. 

But I've also seen the phrase "after every storm comes a rainbow" used to refer to babies born after loss, and that does rub me the wrong way. It's almost as if there's an expectation that if you miscarry, you will get a rainbow baby. Even worse, I've seen Isaiah 66:9 applied to rainbow babies, and often featured in pregnancy announcements: "'I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born,” says the Lord." (New Century Version) Not only is this a very questionable translation of this verse (even when compared to other "loose" translations of the Bible), but it's being taken wildly out of context. The verse has nothing to do with miscarriage and rainbow babies, but rather God's plan for Jerusalem/Zion. And its misuse again implies that if you have a miscarriage, God will give you a "rainbow baby." There are many, many couples who have not been blessed with a rainbow baby, either biological or adopted -- was God not faithful to keep His promise to them? 

Which begs the question, what does a rainbow really represent? God appointed the rainbow as a covenant -- never again would He destroy the earth with a worldwide flood in (much-deserved) judgment for sin. It was His oath of steadfast love and mercy to humans who deserved no such grace. It was not a promise that I'd have a baby after loss. God's faithfulness is not determined by His providing "rainbow babies" (though He often graciously does just that, as I am personally and gratefully aware). Is there always a rainbow after the storm? Yes, in the sense that God never wastes pain in the life of a believer, and that He will one day redeem all of our suffering in eternity. As Elisabeth Elliot said, "Suffering is never for nothing." But that 'rainbow' may not take the shape of a baby, and it would be foolish, even dangerous, to pin one's hopes on such a thought.

That is why I engraved my necklace with the word "hesed." It is the Hebrew word found 248 times in the Old Testament, and most often translated as "mercy," "steadfast love," "lovingkindness," and "covenant faithfulness." I recently finished Michael Card's wonderful book on hesed, Inexpressible -- perhaps the title gives you some idea of how complex and beautiful this word is. He mentions in the introduction that translators often use two words to try to capture the essence of hesed, because a single word is rarely enough to express its meaning.

I found this wristlet for my keys from Dear Heart back in November, 
just before the third anniversary of Baby J's homegoing --
"no season is ever wasted" was quite a timely reminder.
I added the rainbow a few months later, as we rejoiced over our twelfth pregnancy!

In his preface, Card explains hesed this way: "When the person from whom I have the right to expecting nothing gives me everything." 

What a thought! I deserve nothing from the God that I have rebelled against, and yet He offers me everything. He sent His own Son to die on a cross, so that I might have eternal life that I did nothing to deserve -- or more accurately, I did everything to not deserve!

"The Bible reveals the God of hesed, who has opened the door of his life to you and me. Though we are responsible for the death of his only Son and have, in effect, cursed him, he covered us with his body, his blood, and saved us long before we might have accepted him. We have no right to expect anything from him, the Holy One. Yet he has extended himself to us, has invited us to enter his world, has made our story a part of his story, has opened his life to the inevitable possibility of being hurt, disappointed, and wounded by you and me." (Chapter 1)

"The great surprise of the Hebrew Bible is not that God is awesome or holy. These characteristics we would expect from God. The great surprise is that he is kind, that he is a God of hesed. This is what fundamentally makes him unlike any other god, then or now." (Chapter 4)

I was excited to find how many beloved Bible verses contain the word hesed -- I had studied this word in the past, and knew some of the more common English translations (especially "steadfast love"), but because it is translated in different ways it can easily become, quite literally, lost in translation. Here are a few notable verses:

Micah 6:8
He has told you, O man, what is good;
and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love hesed,
and to walk humbly with your God?

Hosea 6:6
For I desire hesed and not sacrifice,
the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.

(note the poetic form in Hosea 6:6, where the 2nd line rephrases the first -- which means that hesed is linked to the knowledge of God. He is hesed!)

Hosea 10:12
Sow for yourselves righteousness;
reap hesed;
break up your fallow ground,
for it is the time to seek the Lord,
that He may come and rain righteousness upon you.

Hesed is part of who God is, and His unaccountable expressions of love and mercy to us should prompt us to imitate Him. God's hesed toward us enables us to show hesed to one another. Loving the "unlovable" should be a distinguishing mark of God's people, because we realize that we were truly unlovable, yet loved by God.

I liked Card's summary from chapter 11: 

"In the Torah, we discovered the definitive experience of God's hesed: God telling us who he is. In the historical books we witnessed the heartbreak associated with the violation of the hope of hesed. In the Psalms we listened to the unique resonance of the hesed our hearts were created and tuned to sing to. In the Prophets we meet the One who is himself hesed (Jer 3:12). 

The Prophets provide a portrait of the One who relentlessly reaches out to his people, who sends prophets like Jeremiah who weep and warn and plead with the people for decades before finally allowing the consequences of their sin to come into effect."

While the New Testament was not written in Hebrew, hesed is far from absent. As Card notes in his conclusion, "In Jesus of Nazareth, the embodiment of hesed, God was perfectly just and perfectly merciful. Through Jesus he fulfilled the promise to not leave the guilty unpunished by placing that punishment on Jesus in an act of pure and perfect hesed. Jesus did justice by loving hesed. He gave himself so that we might be conquered by the kindness of God, a kindness that leads us to repentance, that draws us to the cross. That moment in time makes doubting the lovingkindness of God impossible... As Frederick Buechner says, instead of being too good to be true, it's 'too good not to be true.'"

If you couldn't already tell, I highly recommend Inexpressible*. I'd rank it with Gentle and Lowly as one of the books that has most influenced my understanding of who God is. It reminds me of Job's words in Job 42:5, "I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you." 

That is why I have the word hesed engraved on my necklace. While I hope and pray this baby will join us earthside this fall, our very own little "rainbow" after the darkest of storms, I will wear this necklace no matter what. I serve a faithful God Who always keeps His promises, Who has already done far more for me than I could ever ask or imagine, and Who never abandons me in the storms of life. 

Pleiades, If You Please

After my success with my first Pleiades dress, I was determined to make another one. By the time I got around to it, there was a baby on the way -- no problem, the Pleiades is quite maternity friendly! But I still made a few alterations to ensure that I'd get as much wear out of it as possible.

Sixteen weeks with our rainbow in this photo 

I had quite a bit of blue tencel blend left over from my Brumby skirt, and with some careful placement I was able to eke out all of the pattern pieces. Granted, even though I lengthened the skirt pieces, this Pleiades ended up a bit shorter than my last one. I typically prefer longer skirts, and it does feel strange to have my knees showing! It doesn't help that it's insanely windy here, an issue that I'm looking forward to leaving behind when we move in a few weeks. The night before I wore this dress I hacked a pair of nylons by cutting off a few inches from the top and sewing on a bit of salvaged maternity panel -- it took all of five minutes to do, and was far cheaper than buying maternity-specific nylons. Somehow wearing sheer nylons makes me feel more covered? Anyway.

I sized up a bit for this dress, as my original Pleiades -- which fit perfectly when I made it -- is a bit snug around my ribcage now due to pregnancy (I already have a "generous" ribcage, but pregnancy expands it even further!). Not unwearable, but why not make this one a bit roomier if I had the option? Besides that, I made few alterations:

1. I shortened the bodice, to allow more room for the bump. 
2. I added a few inches of width to the skirt front, also for the bump! 
3. I raised the neckline, a carryover from my original dress.
4. I transferred the invisible zipper to the center front seam, making this dress nursing friendly. I was concerned about how this would work, but it turned out beautifully! 
5. I needed a way to conceal the zipper tab, so I added a bow to the neckline. It's essentially a long rectangle of fabric sewn into the neckline, and wasn't too difficult to work out (similar to sewing a sash into a waistband, just around the neck instead!). I like how it echoes the ties on the sleeves. Actually, I just noticed that there's a similar option on the Pleiades 2 pattern.

I almost always add ties to the sides of dresses, whether they are in the pattern or not! I don't have to tie them tightly, but if I need some extra shaping they're invaluable. 

We took these photos on Easter, the day after our gender scan for little Kit, as an announcement for family (it's hard to believe that's over four weeks ago...). Actually, this dress had been hanging unworn in my closet all spring due to unseasonably cold weather, and it just so happened that I also had a new pink dress in my closet -- I decided I'd wear whichever dress corresponded to our baby's gender for Easter. Obviously, we're team blue!

Brothers!

Apparently spring is (still) having a bit of an identity crisis, so I've not been able to wear this dress since Easter (and that pink dress hasn't been worn at all yet!). But once the weather cooperates, I'm hopeful this will be a closet staple in the coming months/years. What a blessing and joy to have a "bump" to dress again, and lovely fabrics and patterns to dress it with! 

Milestones

 Today marked an important milestone for this pregnancy -- 20 weeks, half-way to our goal of a healthy, earthside baby. There were so many times when I doubted we'd ever reach this point in a pregnancy again, and it feels surreal to be here. Apparently, Kit has taken his role as mama-reassurer very seriously, because he's been kicking up a storm over the past day or two. I did my weekly doppler check this morning (which has been such a blessing and sanity-saver for the past few months), but I think it might be my last "scheduled" check. There are many weeks to go, but I'm counting my blessings today!

It is good to give thanks to the LORD,
to sing praises to Your name, O Most HIgh;
to declare Your steadfast love in the morning,
and Your faithfulness by night,
to the music of the lute and the harp,
to the melody of the lyre.
For You, O LORD, have made me glad by Your work;
at the works of Your hands I sing for joy.

Psalm 92:1

Today's "bumpdate," along with a few
from previous weeks for comparison!

Littlest, Kit

As a frugal person who prefers minimal interventions during pregnancy, I never would have imagined paying for an elective ultrasound. But with strict hospital visitor regulations, an utter lack of patience on my part, and the discovery that a blood gender test would actually cost more than the ultrasound -- well, for the first time in twelve pregnancies, we found ourselves at a private ultrasound studio so we could find out the gender of our rainbow baby as a family. Our only ultrasound thus far had been at eight weeks, during the "jelly bean" phase. In other words, not much to see other than the actual presence of a baby! But at 16 weeks, I knew there would be more shape and movement, and this would give our children the opportunity to see their little sibling in utero. Besides, it was hard to imagine waiting another twelve weeks to see the baby at our anatomy scan. Yes, yes, I know for most of human history ultrasounds haven't even been an option... It turned out to be a wonderful experience, and both the facility and the employees were lovely. Just a brief appointment, which suited my low-intervention preference, but we got to see our sweet baby moving around and -- most importantly -- found out the gender!

All of our children have been team girl, for the simple reason that Rosa is the only sibling that doesn't have a sister. But it should come as no surprise that our newest addition is another BOY! 

We celebrated with treats, and Little Man and Rosa helped me pick out a few things for the baby at a local consignment shop; they were so sweet as they oohed and aahed over all the little baby clothes. 

I'm always impatient to find out the gender of my babies, but with this pregnancy it's been elevated more than usual. Part of that may be that technology has advanced since Scout was born, and knowing that early blood tests are readily available makes it harder to wait. But I also think it's because I feel like I'd been waiting for a "gender reveal" not for the sixteen weeks of this pregnancy, but for one hundred seventy-four weeks -- that's how long it had been since we lost Baby J, just a few weeks before his anatomy scan. I know time is precious with each baby, that there's no guarantee of another week or another scan. And even though a stronger bond may ultimately make loss more heartbreaking, I'd rather take that risk than stay detached (though each pregnancy-after-loss mama is unique in their feelings about that). I'm so grateful for every day with this baby boy.

From left to right: hand + arm (upper left corner), profile, heartbeat

Of course, now my husband and I are faced with naming this baby! We have so many girl names that we both like, but both struggle to find mutually acceptable boy names. It's a dilemma I relish, though -- what a joy to have a little boy to name. Figuring out a blog non de plume was comparatively simple, to my surprise (it's often not). Foxes are one of my favorite animals, and fox babies are called "kits." Well, Kit also happens to be a nickname for Christopher, a name I've loved since childhood but my husband has vetoed. So here on the blog, this little one will be "Kit." 

Somehow the anatomy scan that seemed ages away is just around the corner, and I've started feeling the sweetest little movements over the past week. Little reminders that as much as this all seems like a dream, it is wonderfully, delightfully real. Praise God for His mercies!

PS -- Of course, there are knitting and sewing details to follow!