Identity Crisis

Recently I've found myself struggling with the issue of identity. And yes, the title of this post is definitely overkill, since I'm not really in any kind of crisis! Still, the question of identity has definitely been agitating the grey cells of late.

As I pondered the issue, I realized that I've been trying to bolster my ego by fashioning an identity for myself based on externals, on things that make me feel good about myself. This is a very frustrating pursuit, because basing my identity on my status or personal merits only makes me more aware of just how far I fall short.

 

For example?

Well, I can build my identity on being a good wife. The problem is, I struggle daily with selfishness, and I can point to dozens of women that I know who are much better wives than I am. Ouch.

That's okay, I can build my identity on being a good mom. But I can think of so many women who are much better (not to mention more experienced!) mothers than I am. Strike two.

I can define myself by my love of creative home arts like crafting and sewing -- but I can think of several friends off the top of my head who have more creativity and skill in their little fingers than I could ever dream of.

I cloth diaper! See, I am someone special! I'm a frugal, eco-friendly mama... who almost always uses disposable wipes and puts diapers in the dryer more often than I really need to, just because I'm lazy. And then there's the whole defining-yourself-by-what-you-put-on-your-baby's-tush issue, which is really just plain pathetic!

The list can go on an on -- but there will always be people who take better photographs, bake better cookies, keep their homes cleaner (not that I even considered putting that in the running!), etc.

Before you come to the conclusion that I'm horribly depressed and think that I can't do anything, let me assure you that I do not intend this as a pity party! Nor do I think it's a good idea to evaluate my "worth" by the accomplishments of the people around me. Rather, to get to the bottom of this issue, I find it necessary to be perfectly honest with myself, and considering the character and talents of my acquaintances help me realize that I'm not as incredibly amazing as I think I am. That said, my home is not a pig-sty, my marriage is not on the rocks, and I can sew a straight seam! But whenever I try to identify myself based on personal skills or merit, it's a doomed endeavor. And there's a very good reason for that.

Ironically, a few days after I started thinking about this issue, I received a Publix Baby Club newsletter in the mail. Inside was an excerpt from the book What Every Mom Needs. And here's an excerpt of that excerpt:


Moms of young children are consumed with being caretakers. We sacrifice sleep and our own desires and needs to care for a baby. it's not surprising that we sometimes look in the mirror and wonder who we are.

Moms need identity. We know that the "Who am I?" question comes up in every season of life, but for the mothers of young children, the answer gets tangled up with our roles and responsibilities. we need to redefine ourself and find a definition that will sustain us during this season. Though we enjoy what we do, we need to find an indentity that transcends the role of mothering and reminds us of who we used to be and who we still are, in addition to being a mom.


The book was published by Zondervan, so presumably the authors were Christians -- and having not read the whole book, I don't know where the authors were headed. The excerpt goes on to provide questions to help you find your identity, such as listing your favorite activities, your greatest strengths and weaknesses, etc. Quite possibly they were going to put moms on the right track, but judging only from this excerpt, the problem is being recommended as the solution to the issue of identity!

I have to agree with the authors on one point. It's certainly a bad idea to define yourself by your children -- not only is it unhealthy spiritually, but it also saddles your children with the responsibility of living up to your personal expectations, and turns you into a very boring conversationalist!

However, it's just as bad to define yourself based on your "special" characteristics -- God-given though they are. To do so is to worship the creature rather than the Creator. And because we fall short, it also sets us up for certain disappointment.

So who am I, really? I know with certainty that I'm not the best wife, mother, seamstress, cook, writer, or decorator.

Who am I? A child of God, redeemed by the shed blood of His only Son, living in hope because of Christ's resurrection from the dead. That is the only identity worth having, the only identity that cannot be touched by time, circumstances, or the accomplishments (or failures) of others. And because I can't take credit for it, there is a two-fold blessing: not only does it preclude me from focusing selfishly on my so-called "accomplishments," but it also transcends my innumerable failures! What a blessing, what a relief from the horrible pit of both self-love and self-loathing!

I am one for whom Christ died.

The magnitude of that thought is simultaneously exhilarating and humbling. He loved me -- loves me -- enough to die for me, even though my sin made me hopelessly unworthy of that love. That love, which will never fluctuate or lessen, is mine forever.

So why do I want to build an identity based on whether or not I overcooked dinner, or how clean my bathrooms are? Those things are transient. His love is eternal. I should plan healthy meals and clean my home as an outpouring of His love to others, not so that I can win a trophy in the "Homemaking Hall of Fame." When I focus on my performance (which I evaluate by purely earthly standards) I end up moping, convinced that I'll never measure up. And I never will "measure up" on this earth -- not to Martha Stewart's standards, and certainly not to God's standards. But thanks be to God, I don't have to measure up. Christ did that for me!

God has indeed uniquely gifted me, but those gifts are not intended for my personal satisfaction. No, those gifts are to be used for the exact purpose He has for my life. He ordained me to be my husband's wife and my son's mother, all for His glory and our good.

So it's onward and upward, looking to Jesus, the author and finisher of my faith (Hebrews 12:1). Onward and upward, praying that He will free me more and more from my self-obsession and my earthly focus. And praying that I'll feel a bit more motivated to scrub those bathroom floors, while I'm at it!



You can find my Theological Disclaimer here.

Because We All Need Cheering Up...

...and let's face it, Hugh Laurie is about the best way to do it!



I think Pablo and I have watched this about a dozen times in the past few days, and I still roll with laughter every time I see it!

I must warn you to avoid watching other "A Bit of Fry and Laurie" sketches. Unfortunately most of their material is far from suitable.

On Music

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. ~ Berthold Auerbach

If a composer could say what he had to say in words he would not bother trying to say it in music. ~ Gustav Mahler

Why waste money on psychotherapy when you can listen to the B Minor Mass? ~ Michael Torke

My idea is that there is music in the air, music all around us; the world is full of it, and you simply take as much as you require. ~ Edward Elgar



Its language is a language which the soul alone understands, but which the soul can never translate. ~ Arnold Bennett

When words leave off, music begins. ~ Heinrich Heine

Music is love in search of a word. ~ Sidney Lanier

Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of dying, he sings. ~ Robert Benchley



When people hear good music, it makes them homesick for something they never had, and never will have. ~ Edgar Watson Howe

It is incontestable that music induces in us a sense of the infinite and the contemplation of the invisible. ~ Victor de LaPrade

Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. ~ Victor Hugo

The aim and final end of all music should be none other than the glory of God and the refreshment of the soul. ~ Johann Sebastian Bach

Persuasion: A Listener's Guide

I have no idea why we taped the 1995 Sony Classic Persuasion off the TV a few years ago, because it was long before I had any interest in Jane Austen, or even knew of the existence of the novel! But when I finally watched the movie at age 13, I fell in love with it -- and have only grown to love it more over the past seven years. I could rave endlessly about the beautiful filmography, stunning (and correct!) costumes, the use of "real" people as actors, the incredible music, and the top-notch acting. While I am very picky about adaptations, this is one film that I can watch without a qualm about any of the deviations they made from the plot (not that there are many!). Amanda Root can express more with her face in five seconds than many actors express in an entire film. Every time I watch the film, I catch some new nuance of expression -- not just from Anne, but from any of the perfectly-cast characters.

So the point of this post is to offer some consolation to all of the 1995 Sony Classic Persuasion fans out there who were devastated to find that there is no soundtrack! The reason that there is no soundtrack, as far as I can tell, is that Jeremy Sams only wrote three songs for the movie and used classical pieces for the rest. I first discovered this when listening to a CD of Chopin pieces, and recognized two from Persuasion!

So, several months ago I set out on a journey to find the pieces used in the film. Fortunately, I didn't have to travel far, since IMDB.com had all the information I needed! And, after far too much rambling on my part, here it is:

(all of these links go to Amazon.com, and are available as downloads)

Bach's French Suite No. 1 in D minor, BWV 812 -- No. 3, Sarabande

Bach's French Suite No. 3 in B minor, BWV 814 -- No. 3, Sarabande

Chopin's Nocturne No. 3 in B, Op. 9

Chopin's Prelude No. 3 in G Major, Op. 28 -- "Thou art so like a flower"

Chopin's Prelude No. 21 in B flat major, Op. 28 -- "Sunday"

I marvel at the compatability of Bach and Chopin for this movie -- who could have guessed that the essence of Baroque could blend so beautifully with the essence of Romanticism? And ironically, though neither style would have been in vogue in 1818 (Bach was out of fashion and Chopin was still a child), both styles fit the film perfectly. Every piece except the Chopin Prelude No. 3 are moody and poignant; every piece expresses a sense of loss and regret and beauty. And the few pieces that Jeremy Sams did compose blend in perfectly with the rest of the film, too, forming a beautiful musical soundtrack for a beautiful film. Not that I like this movie, or anything like that...

At any rate, I hope this will be a bit of a musical panacea for fellow Persuasion fans!

Passing On

Thursdays are "violin days" for me. This is the second year now that I've taught private lessons at the small classical Christian school where my dad teaches. I love only teaching one day a week; it keeps my schedule free, and doesn't leave me feeling trapped. This year I have a broader range of ages and levels, which makes it interesting -- the cute little memory techniques that I can use with four-year-olds just won't work for my sixth-grade beginner.

It amuses me to hear myself using the same phrases that my teachers used. Perhaps the old platitude about parenting also applies to teaching a child an instrument -- the faults and downfalls that you have come back to haunt you in the children you teach. I am both nervous and excited to pass on what I've learned over the past thirteen years, hoping desperately that I will spark a lifelong love for music in at least a few of my students. Whether or not I produce any Itzhak Perlmans remains to be seen...

Whither Must I Wander?

I was unfamiliar with Robert Louis Stevenson's Songs of Travel until I heard the musical settings composed by Ralph Vaughan Williams (who is certainly my favorite English composer, and perhaps my favorite overall, as well). Of all of them, my favorite is certainly "Whither Must I Wander?" I typically prefer happy songs, but the melancholy beauty of Stevenson's poetry combined with Vaughan William's music is so poignant and breathtaking that it hurts--hurts in a way that does not make you want to avoid the pain, but rather embrace it.


Whither Must I Wander?
Home no more home to me, whither must I wander?
Hunger my driver, I go where I must.
Cold blows the winter wind over hill and heather:
Thick drives the rain and my roof is in the dust.
Loved of wise men was the shade of my roof-tree,
The true word of welcome was spoken in the door -
Dear days of old with the faces in the firelight,
Kind folks of old, you come again no more.

Home was home then, my dear, full of kindly faces,
Home was home then, my dear, happy for the child.
Fire and the windows bright glittered on the moorland;
Song, tuneful song, built a palace in the wild.
Now when day dawns on the brow of the moorland,
Lone stands the house, and the chimney-stone is cold.
Lone let it stand, now the friends are all departed,
The kind hearts, the true hearts, that loved the place of old.

Spring shall come, come again, calling up the moorfowl,
Spring shall bring the sun and the rain, bring the bees and flowers;
Red shall the heather bloom over hill and valley,
Soft flow the stream through the even-flowing hours.
Fair the day shine as it shone on my childhood -
Fair shine the day on the house with open door;
Birds come and cry there and twitter in the chimney -
But I go for ever and come again no more.


If you would like to hear a clip of the musical setting, you can listen to it on Amazon -- Vaughan Williams: Songs of Travel. I particularly like this album, sung by Roderick Williams. His voice is clear and deep, perfect for the tone of the poem.

This song reminds me of how much I have to be grateful for -- my chimney stone is not cold, nor is my roof lying in the dust. And best of all, my home is full of kindly faces. I find it difficult to even fathom what it would be like to lose those things.