The Lord Has Done Great Things

I am so grateful to announce that we're expecting our 12th baby in October! It's been a longer and harder journey than I could have imagined -- six precious babies lost, three years of heartache, and seemingly endless waiting. Even making this announcement is its own challenge; much as I've longed to have this good news to share, I know that nothing in pregnancy is guaranteed. We're not even past the gestation of our latest loss (Baby J, who passed away between 14-15 weeks in 2018), and to say I'm holding my breath until we pass that mark would be an understatement. But at the same time, we are so grateful and excited for this already-beloved baby, whether this little one first opens its eyes to see our faces or Jesus'.

 

So far, this pregnancy has progressed beautifully, to my infinite relief. I'll admit the idea of another pregnancy held both excitement and dread -- what if, in spite of all the efforts I've made to balance my hormones and enable my body sustain a pregnancy, we were just headed for another heart-rending loss? There was no way to tell until/unless I became pregnant once again.

After laparoscopic surgery in September, I took some time to heal. I bought a variety pack of First Response pregnancy tests, the first "fancy" tests I've bought in years because I started using the cheaper bulk test strips after a few losses. Three disappointing months passed -- not a long time to wait in fertility terms, but we'd already been waiting so long for our "rainbow baby" that it seemed an eternity. What if, after all that, we just couldn't get pregnant again? No Thanksgiving blessing, no Christmas miracle... Before long, 2021 was at an end, with no idea when (or if) our rainbow baby would make an appearance in the coming year. 

And then, January. When I saw the faint line on that test strip at just 3 weeks 3 days (probably the earliest I've ever taken a test), I could scarcely believe my eyes. In fact, I didn't believe them. But by the next morning, the early result pregnancy test showed an undeniable line. A few days later at 4 weeks, when you're "supposed" to start testing, my quick result test was a dye stealer (when pregnancy hormones are high enough to make the test line darker than the control line). I've never had a test that dark, that early, in 11 previous pregnancies. It felt like such a gift; I'd been wistfully hoping to get an early dye stealer -- while they're not a necessity for or guarantee of a healthy pregnancy, I longed for something that would give me hope that this pregnancy was off to a good start. God knew my heart's desire, and He granted me that precious mercy. 

I spotted this rainbow on the wall of our bathroom a few
days before getting a positive test -- I snapped a photo,
and within a few minutes it had vanished.

I did manage to get sick the same day I got the first positive test -- probably with the "O" variety of a certain you-know-what that was circulating at my husband's workplace. For several days I had an on-and-off low grade fever and a pounding headache. It was terrifying to wonder if my illness would hurt our tiny baby, when I already had so many fears going into pregnancy. The first few weeks felt like an eternity, as we could only wait for either the tell-tale symptoms of early miscarriage, or the first ultrasound. Every trip to the washroom was an ordeal.

At 7 weeks 4 days, we finally got a glimpse of our little one -- measuring four to five days ahead, with a strong heartbeat! It was such a relief to know that for now, our baby was thriving and there was no danger of blighted ovum, ectopic pregnancy, etc. 

I've always been impatient in the first trimester -- while pregnancy is one of my favorite experiences, I much prefer the stage that includes sweet baby bumps and wriggles and kicks. But pregnancy after loss, so much loss, is a different experience altogether. My impatience over the past weeks has been fueled by fear that -- once again -- I'd never reach the stages of pregnancy that I once enjoyed so much. Willing time to go faster doesn't work, in case you were wondering! Joy, disbelief, fear... all combined in a confusing cocktail of emotions, with a healthy dose of pregnancy hormones to balance things, ahem.

At my (almost) 12 week appointment, the nurse warned me that the heartbeat can be hard to find this early. She applied to probe to my stomach, and as soon as the static cleared we heard the most beautiful sound -- that startlingly fast "thump thump" that means our baby is alive and well. One more milestone down. 

It hasn't been easy. I booked a midwife in VA (just in time, it was her last slot!), but had to ask what the policy was if I miscarried. My children say "if the baby makes it," because they know that not every baby does. In fact, in their experience, most of our babies don't. I want to knit and sew all the things, but it feels like assuming there will be a baby to wear them would jinx the whole thing -- which I openly acknowledge to be a ridiculous notion, because God has a sovereign plan for this baby that can never be affected by needlework. I want to connect to this baby, but struggle with the fear that connection will lead to deeper heartbreak. But I know that not connecting doesn't make loss any easier or less heartbreaking; I've lived that enough times to know.

I'd appreciate your prayers for this pregnancy! I am fighting for joy during this time. Sometimes it comes easily, when I hear the baby's heartbeat, or realize for a moment that what I've prayed and waited (and prayed and waited some more) for is finally here. Often, it's hard to even imagine making it past the gestation of our other losses. It's difficult to believe that we might finally be "allowed" to leave the valley of the shadow of death. Could this baby really be here to stay, when so many of our little loves have gone to be with Jesus before we had the chance to say "hello?" Much as my faith has been tested in the past, I feel as though this pregnancy is stretching it even further. A dozen pregnancies is hard to wrap my mind around. 

One thing I know, and this I cling to: my Heavenly Father will carry me and my sweet baby every step of the way, no matter the outcome -- just as He always has.

I have more thoughts on pregnancy after loss, and our journey to get here. I hope I get the chance to share them over the coming weeks, but for now...for now, I hope, I pray, I rejoice, I wait.