Inexpressible: On Rainbows, Babies, and God's Forever-Faithful Love

(If you're an Instagram follower, I'm afraid you'll find this a bit of a repeat from a few weeks ago! But I had more thoughts than I could fit in a caption, and I finished the book I was reading at the time. So here we are.)

This tiny necklace represents so much waiting, so much prayer, so many times of clinging to my heavenly Father in the midst of storms that threatened to sweep away my faltering faith. As I dreamed of a "rainbow baby" for over three years, I wistfully browsed rainbow necklaces and hoped I'd have a reason to buy one. I imagined the word "mama" engraved underneath, an exhale of relief and gratitude after our exhausting journey through the valley of the shadow of death. While Laddie is a rainbow baby, I didn't really discover the term until after his birth; it seemed odd to buy such a thing in retrospect. 

But every time I thought the sun was breaking through and our rainbow was finally coming, the storm clouds gathered darker and fiercer than before. The months dragged on, then years. Five would-have-been "rainbow" pregnancies, five more losses. With each loss, my faith was tested yet again, as if God were asking, "Do you still trust Me? Do you still believe I'm good?"

I waited until 12 weeks with my current pregnancy to order this necklace, and even then my sudden burst of "courage" was prompted by a sale! What if we were to lose the baby this necklace represented? How could I bring myself to wear it? While every passing week gives me more hope and we're quickly approaching the 24-week "viability" milestone, I don't yet know if this baby in my womb is my long-awaited rainbow. 

In the end, I didn't engrave the word "mama" -- but not out of a sense of caution. Rather, because there is something more important to me than being the mama of a rainbow baby (even as I long for that very thing).  You can bet there will be lots of rainbow accessories for this little one if our prayers are answered, but my feelings toward the term "rainbow baby" are a bit complex. A rainbow is the beautiful denouement to a storm, and in that sense a rainbow baby is the joy that comes after the intense storm of loss-induced grief. I've seen others who dislike the term, because they don't see their miscarried babies as a "storm," and I can certainly understand that -- but I see the loss of my precious babies (not the babies themselves) as the darkest storm of my life, and thus the term doesn't bother me on that score. 

But I've also seen the phrase "after every storm comes a rainbow" used to refer to babies born after loss, and that does rub me the wrong way. It's almost as if there's an expectation that if you miscarry, you will get a rainbow baby. Even worse, I've seen Isaiah 66:9 applied to rainbow babies, and often featured in pregnancy announcements: "'I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born,” says the Lord." (New Century Version) Not only is this a very questionable translation of this verse (even when compared to other "loose" translations of the Bible), but it's being taken wildly out of context. The verse has nothing to do with miscarriage and rainbow babies, but rather God's plan for Jerusalem/Zion. And its misuse again implies that if you have a miscarriage, God will give you a "rainbow baby." There are many, many couples who have not been blessed with a rainbow baby, either biological or adopted -- was God not faithful to keep His promise to them? 

Which begs the question, what does a rainbow really represent? God appointed the rainbow as a covenant -- never again would He destroy the earth with a worldwide flood in (much-deserved) judgment for sin. It was His oath of steadfast love and mercy to humans who deserved no such grace. It was not a promise that I'd have a baby after loss. God's faithfulness is not determined by His providing "rainbow babies" (though He often graciously does just that, as I am personally and gratefully aware). Is there always a rainbow after the storm? Yes, in the sense that God never wastes pain in the life of a believer, and that He will one day redeem all of our suffering in eternity. As Elisabeth Elliot said, "Suffering is never for nothing." But that 'rainbow' may not take the shape of a baby, and it would be foolish, even dangerous, to pin one's hopes on such a thought.

That is why I engraved my necklace with the word "hesed." It is the Hebrew word found 248 times in the Old Testament, and most often translated as "mercy," "steadfast love," "lovingkindness," and "covenant faithfulness." I recently finished Michael Card's wonderful book on hesed, Inexpressible -- perhaps the title gives you some idea of how complex and beautiful this word is. He mentions in the introduction that translators often use two words to try to capture the essence of hesed, because a single word is rarely enough to express its meaning.

I found this wristlet for my keys from Dear Heart back in November, 
just before the third anniversary of Baby J's homegoing --
"no season is ever wasted" was quite a timely reminder.
I added the rainbow a few months later, as we rejoiced over our twelfth pregnancy!

In his preface, Card explains hesed this way: "When the person from whom I have the right to expecting nothing gives me everything." 

What a thought! I deserve nothing from the God that I have rebelled against, and yet He offers me everything. He sent His own Son to die on a cross, so that I might have eternal life that I did nothing to deserve -- or more accurately, I did everything to not deserve!

"The Bible reveals the God of hesed, who has opened the door of his life to you and me. Though we are responsible for the death of his only Son and have, in effect, cursed him, he covered us with his body, his blood, and saved us long before we might have accepted him. We have no right to expect anything from him, the Holy One. Yet he has extended himself to us, has invited us to enter his world, has made our story a part of his story, has opened his life to the inevitable possibility of being hurt, disappointed, and wounded by you and me." (Chapter 1)

"The great surprise of the Hebrew Bible is not that God is awesome or holy. These characteristics we would expect from God. The great surprise is that he is kind, that he is a God of hesed. This is what fundamentally makes him unlike any other god, then or now." (Chapter 4)

I was excited to find how many beloved Bible verses contain the word hesed -- I had studied this word in the past, and knew some of the more common English translations (especially "steadfast love"), but because it is translated in different ways it can easily become, quite literally, lost in translation. Here are a few notable verses:

Micah 6:8
He has told you, O man, what is good;
and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love hesed,
and to walk humbly with your God?

Hosea 6:6
For I desire hesed and not sacrifice,
the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.

(note the poetic form in Hosea 6:6, where the 2nd line rephrases the first -- which means that hesed is linked to the knowledge of God. He is hesed!)

Hosea 10:12
Sow for yourselves righteousness;
reap hesed;
break up your fallow ground,
for it is the time to seek the Lord,
that He may come and rain righteousness upon you.

Hesed is part of who God is, and His unaccountable expressions of love and mercy to us should prompt us to imitate Him. God's hesed toward us enables us to show hesed to one another. Loving the "unlovable" should be a distinguishing mark of God's people, because we realize that we were truly unlovable, yet loved by God.

I liked Card's summary from chapter 11: 

"In the Torah, we discovered the definitive experience of God's hesed: God telling us who he is. In the historical books we witnessed the heartbreak associated with the violation of the hope of hesed. In the Psalms we listened to the unique resonance of the hesed our hearts were created and tuned to sing to. In the Prophets we meet the One who is himself hesed (Jer 3:12). 

The Prophets provide a portrait of the One who relentlessly reaches out to his people, who sends prophets like Jeremiah who weep and warn and plead with the people for decades before finally allowing the consequences of their sin to come into effect."

While the New Testament was not written in Hebrew, hesed is far from absent. As Card notes in his conclusion, "In Jesus of Nazareth, the embodiment of hesed, God was perfectly just and perfectly merciful. Through Jesus he fulfilled the promise to not leave the guilty unpunished by placing that punishment on Jesus in an act of pure and perfect hesed. Jesus did justice by loving hesed. He gave himself so that we might be conquered by the kindness of God, a kindness that leads us to repentance, that draws us to the cross. That moment in time makes doubting the lovingkindness of God impossible... As Frederick Buechner says, instead of being too good to be true, it's 'too good not to be true.'"

If you couldn't already tell, I highly recommend Inexpressible*. I'd rank it with Gentle and Lowly as one of the books that has most influenced my understanding of who God is. It reminds me of Job's words in Job 42:5, "I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you." 

That is why I have the word hesed engraved on my necklace. While I hope and pray this baby will join us earthside this fall, our very own little "rainbow" after the darkest of storms, I will wear this necklace no matter what. I serve a faithful God Who always keeps His promises, Who has already done far more for me than I could ever ask or imagine, and Who never abandons me in the storms of life. 

*My one caveat with Inexpressible are chapters 19 and 20, which discuss the application of hesed in Judaism after Christ -- there was interesting historical information here, and while I don't think the author was implying that practicing "hesed" apart from Christ is salvific, I would have liked to see a clearer delineation. While modern day Judaism may have a Biblical understanding of hesed from the Old Testament, it has rejected God's ultimate expression of hesed in the person of Jesus Christ. Apart from Him there is no forgiveness of sin, and therefore acts of hesed -- while still beautiful in a fallen world -- cannot put us in a right standing with God in themselves.

You can find my theological disclaimer here.